This blog is temporaily out of commission, i may return to it one day but life has changed in numerous ways and i just haven't the time to keep it up to date. Visit my lil girl at heart blog for current information

breaking

i don't think i've made any progress with Daddy this week. i did succeed in about alienating half of my friends at work by being the bitch from hell and loosing my normal "cool" personna. I've had to apologise to half the people i know. Ugh, not very proud of that. i'm normally the one everyone goes to for support and to vent...but i haven't been "present" enough emotionally for anyone this week. Everyone there is beyond stressed, including me...i know that life happens no matter how well things are going at work but it just seems like everything went to hell at once. Ironically i've noticed in the past that whenever i've been extremely stressed at work, it's also when Daddy is at His most frustrated with me....why is that i have to wonder...

Is it because it's just a "stressful" time of year for everyone...resulting in Daddy also having less patience because He's stressed too?

Is it because when i'm stressed i exude some "vibe" or my "slave'ness" is more lacking then normal? also leaving Daddy more stressed with my performance?

i try to have a positive attitude when at home, to smile and show that i can be my normal sweet self...but when so much is going on, it can be really hard...

i long to be enveloped by strong arms, rocked, held tight...allowed to sob out all my frustrations and sadness. But sadly those strong arms aren't there right now, they may never be there again and that makes my heart just about break in half.

Worn Out

So, it was a 3 day weekend, and for the last 3 days, i've cried, i've begged, i've pleaded to be taken back.

Daddy says, it's doubtful but He will continue to consider it. I must prove to Him beyond a doubt that i'm worthy....and i should continue to be moving forward, figuring out what i'm to do if it doesn't end well. It doesn't look good.

Work has me at my most stressed right now, and now, home, when i need support most is in such turmoil. I feel like i might loose my mind at times, the pain is so great, and the tasks in front of me so daunting.

On top of that, i feel so betrayed, yet i'm to prove i'm worthy......once trust is so damaged can it ever be regained?

devastation

One thing i've learned about my life...is there are no constants...

i am no longer His.

Fear

Tonight Daddy and i watched a movie about a couple who'd been married for 44 years. The wife, Fiona, had alzheimers. The movie showed how they faced her entering a "home" for those with the disease. It was a real tear jerker and made me cry.

What i couldn't help but think about was how at this point, it's just Daddy and i...by the time W/we are aged (and no...44 isn't that old! for those of you younger readers)
our parents gone, no children of our own...it will just be Daddy and i. W/we'll be the aunt and uncle who must be dutifully invited to family events...shuttled back and forth, lonely family members that no one wants to leave out...W/we'll celebrate holidays alone, W/we'll visit hospital rooms alone when one of us is ill, O/one of U/us may visit the other in a nursing home alone. Finally O/one of U/us may eventually be left alone... No children, or grandchildren to help ease that pain. It's so depressing...

If W/we move to NC...it will be even more complicated...no family...no one to help U/us through troubled times......It's soo much to think about and sort out....

i am thankful though for what i have...my Daddy who i love and adore and believe will keep U/us safe and happy for all of O/our days....i believe that life for U/us will always be interesting, stimulating, exciting, and full....so i put to sleep those silent worries and fears and trust in God and mine....

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

As the week comes to a close, i look back on how much O/our life has been altered since last friday night.

W/we've both heard me cry and mourn O/our loss, beg for Your forgiveness, and pray for You to have a change of heart.

i never thought this day would come to pass, a part of me still clings to the possibilty that You will take me back. But as in the past, i know how fruitless my hopes of You changing Your mind always are.

The saddest part is that this experience has taught me several things...things that i know You've tried to instill in me these last five year. It's also reminded me of who i was and how i long to be that person again.

The experience has taught me...

• As a slave, it is my charge? duty? responsibility? desire....to please my Master. It's not about who is right or wrong. It's not about what i want vs what You want. What it is about is trust. Trust in You and in where You lead U/us.

i think that trust has dwindled lately, for various reasons it's lessoned, but i shouldn't have let it. We've overcome so much to let this bring U/us down, but that's what i did. i let myself be led by my pride and anger, so much so that i didn't recognize what the conversation last Friday night meant, where it was going, if i'd been thoughtful and caring i'd have recognized where You were and how important it was that i be on board.

i've been so wrapped up in my own pain and frustration, that i didn't recognize or see Your pain. i let my needs come before Yours and as a slave my main role should be to see to my Master's needs. i failed at this and know that i let U/us both down.

i know that there would be people who would say...but why are His needs more important then yours. But what i know is that, Your needs come first so that You can ultimately see to O/our needs, caring for me is a priority and You would never loose site of that. Which is what i've done. i've lost sight of Your needs and knowing that they were the most important thing to me.

While i know You see communication and my trying to Top You as O/our biggest issues...i wonder if this is the root of it all....my not remembering to put You first!

This experience has also taught me...

• that i am tired of being this hard, frustrated person.

i miss the way it was, the softness You brought out in me, the confidence You made me feel, how good it felt to do something that pleased You...i long for those things, i remember those things, and i want those things with all of my heart.

i don't know if there is any possibility for U/us to try again....all i can do is pray .... and if by some miracle You allow Yourself to consider it....i want You to know that i like You don't want to continue as it has been..i would try my hardest to take my new insight and use it to make O/our life what it is meant to be...........

Amen

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Daddy and i have not been on the same page at all. We've set our wedding for the first week in October but lately it just seems like a wedding is the last thing we should be planning.

Just a couple months ago our relationship was beautiful. So what happened?

I'm not sure. I know there's been a lot of extra stress from everywhere. I also know that Daddy says I'm not focused on the things i should be, instead i get wrapped up in distractions that only succeed in making Him crazy.

i know i hurt His feelings too, over the kitten. i feel He reacted too quickly, and didn't extend the extra patience that might of gotten through what turned into a huge painful experience. But then, i should of been more cognizant of how my responses were impacting Him. While Daddy is a big tough grown-up, He prolly isn't the best at sorting out emotions. Instead of dealing with hurt or painful feelings, He tends to let anger take the place of those emotions or feelings over which He really has no control.

I can think of examples when He was hurting emotionally, but put more effort in anger towards me rather then dealing with the emotions He was feeling. When Nan Nan died, i remember He was so angry at me over something that to me seemed so out of the realm of concern at the time, but instead of letting His sadness out and allowing me to comfort Him, He kept everything inside and just aimmed His anger at me.

He'd prolly disagree with this post...but i'm pretty sure there is some validity to it. i can give way too many examples or there not to be. Even during stressful times W/we have a more difficult time being on the same page. Some of this is due to my inability to focus on being on His same page....but i also believe that He is more apt to be less patient and more easily frustrated when stressed out.

Anyway, W/we talked today, and i think W/we've come to another stalemate, but at least the stalemates allow U/us to get past O/our issues and continue forward.

I feel like i need a prayer......something like "Dear God, grant me the skill and ability to anticipate and be on the same page as Daddy so that W/we may be once again a loving and committed couple.

Amen