breaking

i don't think i've made any progress with Daddy this week. i did succeed in about alienating half of my friends at work by being the bitch from hell and loosing my normal "cool" personna. I've had to apologise to half the people i know. Ugh, not very proud of that. i'm normally the one everyone goes to for support and to vent...but i haven't been "present" enough emotionally for anyone this week. Everyone there is beyond stressed, including me...i know that life happens no matter how well things are going at work but it just seems like everything went to hell at once. Ironically i've noticed in the past that whenever i've been extremely stressed at work, it's also when Daddy is at His most frustrated with me....why is that i have to wonder...

Is it because it's just a "stressful" time of year for everyone...resulting in Daddy also having less patience because He's stressed too?

Is it because when i'm stressed i exude some "vibe" or my "slave'ness" is more lacking then normal? also leaving Daddy more stressed with my performance?

i try to have a positive attitude when at home, to smile and show that i can be my normal sweet self...but when so much is going on, it can be really hard...

i long to be enveloped by strong arms, rocked, held tight...allowed to sob out all my frustrations and sadness. But sadly those strong arms aren't there right now, they may never be there again and that makes my heart just about break in half.

Worn Out

So, it was a 3 day weekend, and for the last 3 days, i've cried, i've begged, i've pleaded to be taken back.

Daddy says, it's doubtful but He will continue to consider it. I must prove to Him beyond a doubt that i'm worthy....and i should continue to be moving forward, figuring out what i'm to do if it doesn't end well. It doesn't look good.

Work has me at my most stressed right now, and now, home, when i need support most is in such turmoil. I feel like i might loose my mind at times, the pain is so great, and the tasks in front of me so daunting.

On top of that, i feel so betrayed, yet i'm to prove i'm worthy......once trust is so damaged can it ever be regained?

devastation

One thing i've learned about my life...is there are no constants...

i am no longer His.

Fear

Tonight Daddy and i watched a movie about a couple who'd been married for 44 years. The wife, Fiona, had alzheimers. The movie showed how they faced her entering a "home" for those with the disease. It was a real tear jerker and made me cry.

What i couldn't help but think about was how at this point, it's just Daddy and i...by the time W/we are aged (and no...44 isn't that old! for those of you younger readers)
our parents gone, no children of our own...it will just be Daddy and i. W/we'll be the aunt and uncle who must be dutifully invited to family events...shuttled back and forth, lonely family members that no one wants to leave out...W/we'll celebrate holidays alone, W/we'll visit hospital rooms alone when one of us is ill, O/one of U/us may visit the other in a nursing home alone. Finally O/one of U/us may eventually be left alone... No children, or grandchildren to help ease that pain. It's so depressing...

If W/we move to NC...it will be even more complicated...no family...no one to help U/us through troubled times......It's soo much to think about and sort out....

i am thankful though for what i have...my Daddy who i love and adore and believe will keep U/us safe and happy for all of O/our days....i believe that life for U/us will always be interesting, stimulating, exciting, and full....so i put to sleep those silent worries and fears and trust in God and mine....