Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

As the week comes to a close, i look back on how much O/our life has been altered since last friday night.

W/we've both heard me cry and mourn O/our loss, beg for Your forgiveness, and pray for You to have a change of heart.

i never thought this day would come to pass, a part of me still clings to the possibilty that You will take me back. But as in the past, i know how fruitless my hopes of You changing Your mind always are.

The saddest part is that this experience has taught me several things...things that i know You've tried to instill in me these last five year. It's also reminded me of who i was and how i long to be that person again.

The experience has taught me...

• As a slave, it is my charge? duty? responsibility? desire....to please my Master. It's not about who is right or wrong. It's not about what i want vs what You want. What it is about is trust. Trust in You and in where You lead U/us.

i think that trust has dwindled lately, for various reasons it's lessoned, but i shouldn't have let it. We've overcome so much to let this bring U/us down, but that's what i did. i let myself be led by my pride and anger, so much so that i didn't recognize what the conversation last Friday night meant, where it was going, if i'd been thoughtful and caring i'd have recognized where You were and how important it was that i be on board.

i've been so wrapped up in my own pain and frustration, that i didn't recognize or see Your pain. i let my needs come before Yours and as a slave my main role should be to see to my Master's needs. i failed at this and know that i let U/us both down.

i know that there would be people who would say...but why are His needs more important then yours. But what i know is that, Your needs come first so that You can ultimately see to O/our needs, caring for me is a priority and You would never loose site of that. Which is what i've done. i've lost sight of Your needs and knowing that they were the most important thing to me.

While i know You see communication and my trying to Top You as O/our biggest issues...i wonder if this is the root of it all....my not remembering to put You first!

This experience has also taught me...

• that i am tired of being this hard, frustrated person.

i miss the way it was, the softness You brought out in me, the confidence You made me feel, how good it felt to do something that pleased You...i long for those things, i remember those things, and i want those things with all of my heart.

i don't know if there is any possibility for U/us to try again....all i can do is pray .... and if by some miracle You allow Yourself to consider it....i want You to know that i like You don't want to continue as it has been..i would try my hardest to take my new insight and use it to make O/our life what it is meant to be...........

Amen

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Daddy and i have not been on the same page at all. We've set our wedding for the first week in October but lately it just seems like a wedding is the last thing we should be planning.

Just a couple months ago our relationship was beautiful. So what happened?

I'm not sure. I know there's been a lot of extra stress from everywhere. I also know that Daddy says I'm not focused on the things i should be, instead i get wrapped up in distractions that only succeed in making Him crazy.

i know i hurt His feelings too, over the kitten. i feel He reacted too quickly, and didn't extend the extra patience that might of gotten through what turned into a huge painful experience. But then, i should of been more cognizant of how my responses were impacting Him. While Daddy is a big tough grown-up, He prolly isn't the best at sorting out emotions. Instead of dealing with hurt or painful feelings, He tends to let anger take the place of those emotions or feelings over which He really has no control.

I can think of examples when He was hurting emotionally, but put more effort in anger towards me rather then dealing with the emotions He was feeling. When Nan Nan died, i remember He was so angry at me over something that to me seemed so out of the realm of concern at the time, but instead of letting His sadness out and allowing me to comfort Him, He kept everything inside and just aimmed His anger at me.

He'd prolly disagree with this post...but i'm pretty sure there is some validity to it. i can give way too many examples or there not to be. Even during stressful times W/we have a more difficult time being on the same page. Some of this is due to my inability to focus on being on His same page....but i also believe that He is more apt to be less patient and more easily frustrated when stressed out.

Anyway, W/we talked today, and i think W/we've come to another stalemate, but at least the stalemates allow U/us to get past O/our issues and continue forward.

I feel like i need a prayer......something like "Dear God, grant me the skill and ability to anticipate and be on the same page as Daddy so that W/we may be once again a loving and committed couple.

Amen

Under His Control

I've been thinking a lot about things lately. My life sometimes seems so out of control, yet i'm a slave who is under the control of a very controlling Dom. So i've been asking myself. "How can this be?"

a synopsis of my day...kinda

wake...
be at work by Daddy's designated time...do NOT be late by even two minutes, for any reason! -or there will be consequences. Those consequences may include, but are not limited to "be at work 15 minues earlier for an indefinite length of time"/days added to the already existing " be at work earlier" consequence
complete weekly list Daddy prepares...this has leeway as i am able to set deadlines within the week and can choose when to take care of most items...

For example this weeks list includes the following:

1. Tires - work on budget and estimate the soonest time to purchase new tires


2. Social Security Report - send for new one as the last one had mistakes on it. Figure out the day you should receive it and put in pda for estimated receival date.


3. Find the blanket we bought last year for the trunk of car (where the heck has that thing gotten to?...this has been on the list 2 weeks and i still haven't found it.)


4. White Shoes to go with wedding dress. - date to be purchased by.


5. Skooter - Make yearly vet appt.


6. Basement Water Issue - Figure out why the floor in the laundry room is getting wet when laundry is being done.


7. Laundry Room kept tidy


8. Downstairs kept tidy


9. GPS - figure out how to change the account on our Geocaching website.


10. Fathers Day Gift? - decide when we are going to get my Dads fathers day gift to him? date/pda


11. Parents Meeting on 19th - What are we going to do with our parents when we have them meet? Dinner?, Location?, Time?


12. Volunteer Paperwork - completed and to Daddy by the 21st


13. Karoke (for wedding reception?) - discuss

As the day ends i call Daddy when i get off of work, between 4:30 and 4:45 to let Him know what time i will make it home. I can make extra stops at walmart, or the grocery store during the week if i let Daddy know ahead of time.

When i get home, normally it's the same thing, get Daddy's lunch for tomorrow, dinner, laundry, get Daddy's clothes ready for the next day, work on weekly list if i need to and if there's time, i can relax and do what i want. Usually i spend my extra time hanging out online, chatting in DD chat, posting on the DD board, answering emails, or working on one of my 4 blogs....

All of my duties and chores are prolly typical, even less then the chores of someone who has children, or 2nd jobs etc.....and i consider myself lucky that i don't have so much on my plate that i'm overwhelmed and overloaded.

the hardest part about being Daddy's slave (prolly anyone's slave)though, is that i'm always under a microscope. Every detail is analyzed from the time it takes for a task to be completed to the process i follow in completing that task, and communication is a must, no step shall be completed without reporting to Daddy, asking Daddy's permission or detailing the progress.

This is what's so hard for me. I find myself being forgetful, unsure of His expectations when i might follow different steps to complete a task then He, and then remembering to keep Him posted on updates. I get overwhelmed by the balancing act. I feel sometimes like my head is so full i lose half the things i'm supposed to remember. I have systems in place to prevent that from happening, but i still can't seem to perfect it.

Most people who make a mistake such as leaving work a few minutes late because they were in the middle of a conversation and not paying attention to the clock, or forgetting to make a phonecall one day, but knowledgeable that they can make it the next, or not keeping the house picked up....have no consequences...often the only person who holds them accountable is themself....and there are no punishments or reprimands

All the things that i've forgotten, made a mistake on, etc, all things are under scrutiny and pointed out to me. Sometimes it's hard to be shown every little mistake. It makes me feel sad, like i'm not a very capable person, inadequate. i want to be the best i can be for Daddy, but weirdly enough, even though i know i am a way more capable, accountable, well organized person now then i've ever been, i feel my Daddy sees me as less capbable, less accomplished, less trustworthy then ever....

i'd give anything if this weren't true.......i love my Daddy so much and i want to be the best slave i can be....but i sometimes feel like if you are looking for mistakes, that's prolly all you are going to find....if you were looking for successes....then you'd find successes more often then the failures.......

anyway.......that's my struggle......and my Daddy's as well.......

So...even though i'm a control freak of a girl, who wants to control everything around her at work, who wants to give over all control to the Dom of her dreams in order to take off that heavy weight, even though i live with the most controlling person i've ever met in my life..............often my life feels like it's spinning TOTALLY out of control and i have no way of getting things back to where they should be.......

The Touch of the Master's Hand

It was battered and scarred,
And the auctioneer thought it Hardly worth his while
To waste his time on the old violin,
But he held it up with a smile.
"What am I bid, good people", he cried,
"Who starts the bidding for me?"
"One dollar, one dollar, Do I hear two?"
"Two dollars, who makes it three?"
"Three dollars once, three dollars twice, going for three",

But, No,
From the room far back a grey haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow,
Then wiping the dust from the old violin
And tightening up the strings,
He played a melody, pure and sweet,
As sweet as the angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said "What now am I bid for this old violin?"
As he held it aloft with its' bow.
"One thousand, one thousand, Do I hear two?"
"Two thousand, Who makes it three?"
"Three thousand once, three thousand twice,
Going and gone", said he.

The audience cheered,
But some of them cried,
"We just don't understand."
"What changed its' worth?"
Swift came the reply.
"The Touch of the Masters Hand."

And many a man with life out of tune,
All battered with bourbon and gin,
Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd
Much like that old violin.
A mess of pottage, a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on.
He is going once, he is going twice,
He is going and almost gone.
But the Master comes,
And the foolish crowd never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought
By the Touch of the Master's Hand.

~Myra Brooks Welch~

I am sure it is a crippling moment of pain, or a few, which turn people into
dominants and submissives. This sort of love does not come from a mind that has
not suffered. BDSM is a way to console that initial suffering through
reactionary suffering, it almost negates itself for a while. A bound submissive
can think "Yes, I really am loved. She wants me." while the dominant thinks "He
must love me, otherwise why would he be suffering so?" (The obvious answer is
"because you tied him up and didn't let him escape." But WHATEVER.)

~Mean Mommy~

http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?showtopic=10945&st=0&p=126209&#entry126209

expectations

bonds

Under Your hand...my lessons are taught, my heart soars, my tears are brushed aside, my body blooms, my soul deepens, my slavery flourishes, my serenity exists

Ramblings

What i've learned about myself since i decided that i was interested in bdsm is that i'm always evolving. What i'd imagined my life as a slave would be like was only that....imagination. Imagining vs living it is just like the anticipation a child feels at Christmas time. You have all these ideas about what is in those wrapped presents, but until you open them up, it's all about the fantasy of the the wonderful things inside.
Being slave to Someone is much the same thing, you can anticipate what life will be like, but until you've managed the day to day intricacies of a D/s relationship it's hard to even begin to understand what it's like.

Most have read the article "Daddy Doms" by kendra, the article was actually my own first introduction to a Dominant Daddy figure many years ago. I thought life would be just as described in that article. What the article doesn't take into account is that Daddy Doms, just like any Dom is a real person, with real expectations and desires. Not necessarily based on the ideals of one babygirl.

Not that i'm the most experienced person, but of the Domminants i have met in real life, no two have been the same. Some are more demanding, some are more nurturing, some expect protocol, some scoff at any type of established idea of D/s. It really is about a personality type, and interests and expectations.

i'd describe my Daddy Dom as a Teacher, He enjoys sharing His knowledge and skill with others. He also is a perfectionist and expects His slave to strive for perfection at all times in all things. Communication is key between U/us. He's set a basic set of rules that i must follow. He strives to meet my needs, nurtures me and guides me in becoming His ideal slave.

slave

It's still hard at times to not just give up...the last 3 weeks have really taken a toll on my heart. i've been trying to recommit myself, i even have moments when i am more devoted then ever, but there are also moments when i'm so tired both physically and emotionally, tired of the heartaches, tired of having every flaw pointed out, tired of never being good enough, tired of never being understood, that i just want to sit down and not go any further. Always the part of me that loves and cherishes Him kicks in and i push on.

i try to keep in my mind the moments of bliss, the moments of love and laughter, the moments when i recognize that He's given me all that i could ever have dream possible. a D/s relationship has proven that i am not a very disciplined person. i try, i try, and i try, but my capabilities are sooo inadequate sometimes...

i think it's because i live most of my life trying to cope from the limbic part of my brain instead of from my frontal lobe.......then when something as little as harsh words are spoken to me......i downshift into my brainstem...i try to get used to being yelled at but it just doesn't come....

Welcome

this is a blog to celebrate Master's and my world as Dominate and slave. W/we've lived together over 4 years now and can both atest to the challenges O/ones face living the lifestyle 24/7.

as a slave i often allow many distractions to deter me from my ultimate goal of pleasing Master. i am hoping that by creating this blog, i will be able to use it as a tool to enrich O/our lives, as well as a way to help me focus my free time on becoming a more determined and disciplined slave.

This blog is dedicated to my Master and O/our life together...