breaking

i don't think i've made any progress with Daddy this week. i did succeed in about alienating half of my friends at work by being the bitch from hell and loosing my normal "cool" personna. I've had to apologise to half the people i know. Ugh, not very proud of that. i'm normally the one everyone goes to for support and to vent...but i haven't been "present" enough emotionally for anyone this week. Everyone there is beyond stressed, including me...i know that life happens no matter how well things are going at work but it just seems like everything went to hell at once. Ironically i've noticed in the past that whenever i've been extremely stressed at work, it's also when Daddy is at His most frustrated with me....why is that i have to wonder...

Is it because it's just a "stressful" time of year for everyone...resulting in Daddy also having less patience because He's stressed too?

Is it because when i'm stressed i exude some "vibe" or my "slave'ness" is more lacking then normal? also leaving Daddy more stressed with my performance?

i try to have a positive attitude when at home, to smile and show that i can be my normal sweet self...but when so much is going on, it can be really hard...

i long to be enveloped by strong arms, rocked, held tight...allowed to sob out all my frustrations and sadness. But sadly those strong arms aren't there right now, they may never be there again and that makes my heart just about break in half.

Worn Out

So, it was a 3 day weekend, and for the last 3 days, i've cried, i've begged, i've pleaded to be taken back.

Daddy says, it's doubtful but He will continue to consider it. I must prove to Him beyond a doubt that i'm worthy....and i should continue to be moving forward, figuring out what i'm to do if it doesn't end well. It doesn't look good.

Work has me at my most stressed right now, and now, home, when i need support most is in such turmoil. I feel like i might loose my mind at times, the pain is so great, and the tasks in front of me so daunting.

On top of that, i feel so betrayed, yet i'm to prove i'm worthy......once trust is so damaged can it ever be regained?

devastation

One thing i've learned about my life...is there are no constants...

i am no longer His.

Fear

Tonight Daddy and i watched a movie about a couple who'd been married for 44 years. The wife, Fiona, had alzheimers. The movie showed how they faced her entering a "home" for those with the disease. It was a real tear jerker and made me cry.

What i couldn't help but think about was how at this point, it's just Daddy and i...by the time W/we are aged (and no...44 isn't that old! for those of you younger readers)
our parents gone, no children of our own...it will just be Daddy and i. W/we'll be the aunt and uncle who must be dutifully invited to family events...shuttled back and forth, lonely family members that no one wants to leave out...W/we'll celebrate holidays alone, W/we'll visit hospital rooms alone when one of us is ill, O/one of U/us may visit the other in a nursing home alone. Finally O/one of U/us may eventually be left alone... No children, or grandchildren to help ease that pain. It's so depressing...

If W/we move to NC...it will be even more complicated...no family...no one to help U/us through troubled times......It's soo much to think about and sort out....

i am thankful though for what i have...my Daddy who i love and adore and believe will keep U/us safe and happy for all of O/our days....i believe that life for U/us will always be interesting, stimulating, exciting, and full....so i put to sleep those silent worries and fears and trust in God and mine....

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

As the week comes to a close, i look back on how much O/our life has been altered since last friday night.

W/we've both heard me cry and mourn O/our loss, beg for Your forgiveness, and pray for You to have a change of heart.

i never thought this day would come to pass, a part of me still clings to the possibilty that You will take me back. But as in the past, i know how fruitless my hopes of You changing Your mind always are.

The saddest part is that this experience has taught me several things...things that i know You've tried to instill in me these last five year. It's also reminded me of who i was and how i long to be that person again.

The experience has taught me...

• As a slave, it is my charge? duty? responsibility? desire....to please my Master. It's not about who is right or wrong. It's not about what i want vs what You want. What it is about is trust. Trust in You and in where You lead U/us.

i think that trust has dwindled lately, for various reasons it's lessoned, but i shouldn't have let it. We've overcome so much to let this bring U/us down, but that's what i did. i let myself be led by my pride and anger, so much so that i didn't recognize what the conversation last Friday night meant, where it was going, if i'd been thoughtful and caring i'd have recognized where You were and how important it was that i be on board.

i've been so wrapped up in my own pain and frustration, that i didn't recognize or see Your pain. i let my needs come before Yours and as a slave my main role should be to see to my Master's needs. i failed at this and know that i let U/us both down.

i know that there would be people who would say...but why are His needs more important then yours. But what i know is that, Your needs come first so that You can ultimately see to O/our needs, caring for me is a priority and You would never loose site of that. Which is what i've done. i've lost sight of Your needs and knowing that they were the most important thing to me.

While i know You see communication and my trying to Top You as O/our biggest issues...i wonder if this is the root of it all....my not remembering to put You first!

This experience has also taught me...

• that i am tired of being this hard, frustrated person.

i miss the way it was, the softness You brought out in me, the confidence You made me feel, how good it felt to do something that pleased You...i long for those things, i remember those things, and i want those things with all of my heart.

i don't know if there is any possibility for U/us to try again....all i can do is pray .... and if by some miracle You allow Yourself to consider it....i want You to know that i like You don't want to continue as it has been..i would try my hardest to take my new insight and use it to make O/our life what it is meant to be...........

Amen

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Daddy and i have not been on the same page at all. We've set our wedding for the first week in October but lately it just seems like a wedding is the last thing we should be planning.

Just a couple months ago our relationship was beautiful. So what happened?

I'm not sure. I know there's been a lot of extra stress from everywhere. I also know that Daddy says I'm not focused on the things i should be, instead i get wrapped up in distractions that only succeed in making Him crazy.

i know i hurt His feelings too, over the kitten. i feel He reacted too quickly, and didn't extend the extra patience that might of gotten through what turned into a huge painful experience. But then, i should of been more cognizant of how my responses were impacting Him. While Daddy is a big tough grown-up, He prolly isn't the best at sorting out emotions. Instead of dealing with hurt or painful feelings, He tends to let anger take the place of those emotions or feelings over which He really has no control.

I can think of examples when He was hurting emotionally, but put more effort in anger towards me rather then dealing with the emotions He was feeling. When Nan Nan died, i remember He was so angry at me over something that to me seemed so out of the realm of concern at the time, but instead of letting His sadness out and allowing me to comfort Him, He kept everything inside and just aimmed His anger at me.

He'd prolly disagree with this post...but i'm pretty sure there is some validity to it. i can give way too many examples or there not to be. Even during stressful times W/we have a more difficult time being on the same page. Some of this is due to my inability to focus on being on His same page....but i also believe that He is more apt to be less patient and more easily frustrated when stressed out.

Anyway, W/we talked today, and i think W/we've come to another stalemate, but at least the stalemates allow U/us to get past O/our issues and continue forward.

I feel like i need a prayer......something like "Dear God, grant me the skill and ability to anticipate and be on the same page as Daddy so that W/we may be once again a loving and committed couple.

Amen

Under His Control

I've been thinking a lot about things lately. My life sometimes seems so out of control, yet i'm a slave who is under the control of a very controlling Dom. So i've been asking myself. "How can this be?"

a synopsis of my day...kinda

wake...
be at work by Daddy's designated time...do NOT be late by even two minutes, for any reason! -or there will be consequences. Those consequences may include, but are not limited to "be at work 15 minues earlier for an indefinite length of time"/days added to the already existing " be at work earlier" consequence
complete weekly list Daddy prepares...this has leeway as i am able to set deadlines within the week and can choose when to take care of most items...

For example this weeks list includes the following:

1. Tires - work on budget and estimate the soonest time to purchase new tires


2. Social Security Report - send for new one as the last one had mistakes on it. Figure out the day you should receive it and put in pda for estimated receival date.


3. Find the blanket we bought last year for the trunk of car (where the heck has that thing gotten to?...this has been on the list 2 weeks and i still haven't found it.)


4. White Shoes to go with wedding dress. - date to be purchased by.


5. Skooter - Make yearly vet appt.


6. Basement Water Issue - Figure out why the floor in the laundry room is getting wet when laundry is being done.


7. Laundry Room kept tidy


8. Downstairs kept tidy


9. GPS - figure out how to change the account on our Geocaching website.


10. Fathers Day Gift? - decide when we are going to get my Dads fathers day gift to him? date/pda


11. Parents Meeting on 19th - What are we going to do with our parents when we have them meet? Dinner?, Location?, Time?


12. Volunteer Paperwork - completed and to Daddy by the 21st


13. Karoke (for wedding reception?) - discuss

As the day ends i call Daddy when i get off of work, between 4:30 and 4:45 to let Him know what time i will make it home. I can make extra stops at walmart, or the grocery store during the week if i let Daddy know ahead of time.

When i get home, normally it's the same thing, get Daddy's lunch for tomorrow, dinner, laundry, get Daddy's clothes ready for the next day, work on weekly list if i need to and if there's time, i can relax and do what i want. Usually i spend my extra time hanging out online, chatting in DD chat, posting on the DD board, answering emails, or working on one of my 4 blogs....

All of my duties and chores are prolly typical, even less then the chores of someone who has children, or 2nd jobs etc.....and i consider myself lucky that i don't have so much on my plate that i'm overwhelmed and overloaded.

the hardest part about being Daddy's slave (prolly anyone's slave)though, is that i'm always under a microscope. Every detail is analyzed from the time it takes for a task to be completed to the process i follow in completing that task, and communication is a must, no step shall be completed without reporting to Daddy, asking Daddy's permission or detailing the progress.

This is what's so hard for me. I find myself being forgetful, unsure of His expectations when i might follow different steps to complete a task then He, and then remembering to keep Him posted on updates. I get overwhelmed by the balancing act. I feel sometimes like my head is so full i lose half the things i'm supposed to remember. I have systems in place to prevent that from happening, but i still can't seem to perfect it.

Most people who make a mistake such as leaving work a few minutes late because they were in the middle of a conversation and not paying attention to the clock, or forgetting to make a phonecall one day, but knowledgeable that they can make it the next, or not keeping the house picked up....have no consequences...often the only person who holds them accountable is themself....and there are no punishments or reprimands

All the things that i've forgotten, made a mistake on, etc, all things are under scrutiny and pointed out to me. Sometimes it's hard to be shown every little mistake. It makes me feel sad, like i'm not a very capable person, inadequate. i want to be the best i can be for Daddy, but weirdly enough, even though i know i am a way more capable, accountable, well organized person now then i've ever been, i feel my Daddy sees me as less capbable, less accomplished, less trustworthy then ever....

i'd give anything if this weren't true.......i love my Daddy so much and i want to be the best slave i can be....but i sometimes feel like if you are looking for mistakes, that's prolly all you are going to find....if you were looking for successes....then you'd find successes more often then the failures.......

anyway.......that's my struggle......and my Daddy's as well.......

So...even though i'm a control freak of a girl, who wants to control everything around her at work, who wants to give over all control to the Dom of her dreams in order to take off that heavy weight, even though i live with the most controlling person i've ever met in my life..............often my life feels like it's spinning TOTALLY out of control and i have no way of getting things back to where they should be.......